Friday, December 31, 2010

One more day until D-day....

D-day... Diet day.  Although, I shouldn't be calling it a diet.  I should be calling it a lifestyle.  But who am I kidding?  If it looks like a diet, and smells like a diet, it's a diet.  I get the whole "lifestyle" idea, I do, but I like goals.  With a diet, you have a goal.  With a lifestyle, it's infinite.  So I'm not going to sugarcoat this.  It is what it is, and it's a diet.  

I have mixed emotions about today.  Of course I'm going to miss the junk food I allowed myself this past month for the holidays, but I am so ready to start feeling better.  When I eat better my headaches go away, I don't feel dehydrated, I can get out of bed easier.  I actually LIKE putting on clothes and going out.  So why don't I just eat better?  I'm not quite sure.  Junk food makes me happy!  And then throws me down to the ground...

I'll be the first to admit that I have an eating problem.  Although, I would have to guess that most women/teenaged girls do in some way or another.  The difference is the degree of the problem.  I would say I'm smack dab in the middle - there are things that I've done that border on anorexia/bulimia.  I've gone as far as chewing food only to spit it out.  I just wanted the taste, and the texture but I didn't want the calories.  I've only done this a few times, and those few times I felt so ashamed and grossed out.  It scared me to think that it might become "normal" so I never let myself get past the habit-forming number.     

I hated my body at 140 lbs.  WHY oh why?  I want to travel back in time and shake myself.  I can't bear to look at old pictures.  When I do, I see a girl who had everything and had no idea.  Maybe this means that when I finally get back to where I was, I will appreciate it more than I did then.  Maybe this happened so I would open my eyes and fix my eating problem/body dysmorphia. 

This whole experience will definitely make me a stronger as a person, I know that for sure.  And I've promised myself that if I get down to my goal weight and still have these feelings, I will see someone because clearly there are underlying issues that I need to deal with. At the moment, I feel as though if I were back down to 140 lbs, life would be good.  And I will have this blog to reference.  And here's the difference; I've never written down my feelings publicly. 

O.K enough rambling.  My next entry will be my first on the diet.  I am so ready.  Bring it!! Goodbye 2010, you were good to me because I got a beautiful child out of you, but 2011, you have to include me in the plans.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"This baby has ripped through my body..."

"This baby has ripped through my body like a tornado..." I remember thinking these exact words as I lay in the hospital bed the morning after my son was born. I remember standing in the shower of the private hospital room in so much pain I thought about throwing up right there in the drain.  I was still trying to process the fact that I had to lift up the deflated balloon that used to be my stomach so it didn't weigh down on the pieces of metal they stapled into my lower stomach.  Funny enough, at that point I thought to myself, "my body will never be the same."

I used to have killer abs.  I'm just going to go ahead and say that my abdominal muscles were my pride and joy.  I would just go one day without eating a lot of carbs and they were flat like a pancake.  Now they are mediocre at best.  I had no idea how good they were until they were gone.  I miss my clothes. A whole closet full and I can't wear them.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love the fact that I was able to get pregnant.  It took me a long time, fertility clinic drugs and all.  We won the lottery of babies, and I am very, very grateful.  But, I'm not sure if it's because I felt like I deserved to eat whatever I want because I worked so hard to get to this point, as though I was privileged over others who got pregnant so easily, but I ate my effing face off.  I packed my lunch in doubles: double puddings, double yogurts, double doubles.  I honestly thought I deserved it and that it couldn't possibly affect me.  Lo and behold I ended up gaining 70 lbs.   There I was, 40 weeks pregnant and stepping on the scale at 220 lbs.

I was in denial too.  I told myself, "it's all baby."  I told myself, "it'll come off so easily after he's out."  Boy was I wrong! I mean, I lost a good 40 lbs minus baby, bloat and breastfeeding calories. But do the math people, I still have a good 30 lbs to go.  30 lbs! Eff me...

So let's recalculate.  220 lbs minus 70 lbs means I started at about 150 lbs.  Let's minus one year from that a.k.a 10 lbs and you have a good 140 lbs - the weight I was at for most of my adult life.  Oh gosh do I miss the days of being 140 lbs.  I thought I was huge at the time but I can't even fathom fitting into those tiny jeans right now.

So, 220 lbs minus 40 lbs equals 180 lbs.  That's where I stand at 5 months post-partum.  My measurements are the following:  Bust 35 inches, Waist 31 inches, Hips 44.5 inches


Diet: Weight Watchers.  Seems to be the only plan that I have used in the past that a) didn't make me go crazy, and b) didn't make me gain back the weight as soon as I ate "normally" again.  I have to go to those meetings though because they make me accountable, and I feel like a sodding idiot when I go in weighing more. 

Exercise: Classes at the gym 4 times a week and the treadmill at home.  I think I should go on it for a walk everyday for at least 30 minutes just until spring arrives and I'm able to go outside.

I start on January 1, 2011.  My first Weight Watcher's meeting is on Tuesday, January 4th.  I will tell you my weigh-in results as I go which will make me even MORE accountable.  And pictures.  Who doesn't love pictures?  I am brave to post these.  But I won't reveal my face until I hit that 140 lb mark.

I'm not going to dwell in the past.  I am what I am right now.  And I have a wonderful child out of it.  So here I am:

Front View


Stomach side-view

Stomach front-view

(Sorry about the pant marks... I am still shocked that I am posting these!)

SO wish me luck.  Here I go...