Friday, December 31, 2010

One more day until D-day....

D-day... Diet day.  Although, I shouldn't be calling it a diet.  I should be calling it a lifestyle.  But who am I kidding?  If it looks like a diet, and smells like a diet, it's a diet.  I get the whole "lifestyle" idea, I do, but I like goals.  With a diet, you have a goal.  With a lifestyle, it's infinite.  So I'm not going to sugarcoat this.  It is what it is, and it's a diet.  

I have mixed emotions about today.  Of course I'm going to miss the junk food I allowed myself this past month for the holidays, but I am so ready to start feeling better.  When I eat better my headaches go away, I don't feel dehydrated, I can get out of bed easier.  I actually LIKE putting on clothes and going out.  So why don't I just eat better?  I'm not quite sure.  Junk food makes me happy!  And then throws me down to the ground...

I'll be the first to admit that I have an eating problem.  Although, I would have to guess that most women/teenaged girls do in some way or another.  The difference is the degree of the problem.  I would say I'm smack dab in the middle - there are things that I've done that border on anorexia/bulimia.  I've gone as far as chewing food only to spit it out.  I just wanted the taste, and the texture but I didn't want the calories.  I've only done this a few times, and those few times I felt so ashamed and grossed out.  It scared me to think that it might become "normal" so I never let myself get past the habit-forming number.     

I hated my body at 140 lbs.  WHY oh why?  I want to travel back in time and shake myself.  I can't bear to look at old pictures.  When I do, I see a girl who had everything and had no idea.  Maybe this means that when I finally get back to where I was, I will appreciate it more than I did then.  Maybe this happened so I would open my eyes and fix my eating problem/body dysmorphia. 

This whole experience will definitely make me a stronger as a person, I know that for sure.  And I've promised myself that if I get down to my goal weight and still have these feelings, I will see someone because clearly there are underlying issues that I need to deal with. At the moment, I feel as though if I were back down to 140 lbs, life would be good.  And I will have this blog to reference.  And here's the difference; I've never written down my feelings publicly. 

O.K enough rambling.  My next entry will be my first on the diet.  I am so ready.  Bring it!! Goodbye 2010, you were good to me because I got a beautiful child out of you, but 2011, you have to include me in the plans.