D-day... Diet day. Although, I shouldn't be calling it a diet. I should be calling it a lifestyle. But who am I kidding? If it looks like a diet, and smells like a diet, it's a diet. I get the whole "lifestyle" idea, I do, but I like goals. With a diet, you have a goal. With a lifestyle, it's infinite. So I'm not going to sugarcoat this. It is what it is, and it's a diet.
I have mixed emotions about today. Of course I'm going to miss the junk food I allowed myself this past month for the holidays, but I am so ready to start feeling better. When I eat better my headaches go away, I don't feel dehydrated, I can get out of bed easier. I actually LIKE putting on clothes and going out. So why don't I just eat better? I'm not quite sure. Junk food makes me happy! And then throws me down to the ground...
I'll be the first to admit that I have an eating problem. Although, I would have to guess that most women/teenaged girls do in some way or another. The difference is the degree of the problem. I would say I'm smack dab in the middle - there are things that I've done that border on anorexia/bulimia. I've gone as far as chewing food only to spit it out. I just wanted the taste, and the texture but I didn't want the calories. I've only done this a few times, and those few times I felt so ashamed and grossed out. It scared me to think that it might become "normal" so I never let myself get past the habit-forming number.
I hated my body at 140 lbs. WHY oh why? I want to travel back in time and shake myself. I can't bear to look at old pictures. When I do, I see a girl who had everything and had no idea. Maybe this means that when I finally get back to where I was, I will appreciate it more than I did then. Maybe this happened so I would open my eyes and fix my eating problem/body dysmorphia.
This whole experience will definitely make me a stronger as a person, I know that for sure. And I've promised myself that if I get down to my goal weight and still have these feelings, I will see someone because clearly there are underlying issues that I need to deal with. At the moment, I feel as though if I were back down to 140 lbs, life would be good. And I will have this blog to reference. And here's the difference; I've never written down my feelings publicly.
O.K enough rambling. My next entry will be my first on the diet. I am so ready. Bring it!! Goodbye 2010, you were good to me because I got a beautiful child out of you, but 2011, you have to include me in the plans.