"This baby has ripped through my body..."

"This baby has ripped through my body like a tornado..." I remember thinking these exact words as I lay in the hospital bed the morning after my son was born. I remember standing in the shower of the private hospital room in so much pain I thought about throwing up right there in the drain.  I was still trying to process the fact that I had to lift up the deflated balloon that used to be my stomach so it didn't weigh down on the pieces of metal they stapled into my lower stomach.  Funny enough, at that point I thought to myself, "my body will never be the same."

I used to have killer abs.  I'm just going to go ahead and say that my abdominal muscles were my pride and joy.  I would just go one day without eating a lot of carbs and they were flat like a pancake.  Now they are mediocre at best.  I had no idea how good they were until they were gone.  I miss my clothes. A whole closet full and I can't wear them.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love the fact that I was able to get pregnant.  It took me a long time, fertility clinic drugs and all.  We won the lottery of babies, and I am very, very grateful.  But, I'm not sure if it's because I felt like I deserved to eat whatever I want because I worked so hard to get to this point, as though I was privileged over others who got pregnant so easily, but I ate my effing face off.  I packed my lunch in doubles: double puddings, double yogurts, double doubles.  I honestly thought I deserved it and that it couldn't possibly affect me.  Lo and behold I ended up gaining 70 lbs.   There I was, 40 weeks pregnant and stepping on the scale at 220 lbs.

I was in denial too.  I told myself, "it's all baby."  I told myself, "it'll come off so easily after he's out."  Boy was I wrong! I mean, I lost a good 40 lbs minus baby, bloat and breastfeeding calories. But do the math people, I still have a good 30 lbs to go.  30 lbs! Eff me...

So let's recalculate.  220 lbs minus 70 lbs means I started at about 150 lbs.  Let's minus one year from that a.k.a 10 lbs and you have a good 140 lbs - the weight I was at for most of my adult life.  Oh gosh do I miss the days of being 140 lbs.  I thought I was huge at the time but I can't even fathom fitting into those tiny jeans right now.

So, 220 lbs minus 40 lbs equals 180 lbs.  That's where I stand at 5 months post-partum.  My measurements are the following:  Bust 35 inches, Waist 31 inches, Hips 44.5 inches

THE PLAN:

Diet: Weight Watchers.  Seems to be the only plan that I have used in the past that a) didn't make me go crazy, and b) didn't make me gain back the weight as soon as I ate "normally" again.  I have to go to those meetings though because they make me accountable, and I feel like a sodding idiot when I go in weighing more. 

Exercise: Classes at the gym 4 times a week and the treadmill at home.  I think I should go on it for a walk everyday for at least 30 minutes just until spring arrives and I'm able to go outside.

I start on January 1, 2011.  My first Weight Watcher's meeting is on Tuesday, January 4th.  I will tell you my weigh-in results as I go which will make me even MORE accountable.  And pictures.  Who doesn't love pictures?  I am brave to post these.  But I won't reveal my face until I hit that 140 lb mark.

I'm not going to dwell in the past.  I am what I am right now.  And I have a wonderful child out of it.  So here I am:

Front View

Side-view

Stomach side-view

Stomach front-view

(Sorry about the pant marks... I am still shocked that I am posting these!)

SO wish me luck.  Here I go...