Today I thought about a memory I hadn't thought about for years. I probably had repressed the feelings of that fateful day back in February of 1994. That was the day that I became obsessed with the number on the scale. Our class was going on a ski trip and they had every one of us step on a scale to see what size of skis we would need. I remember being one of the heaviest girls weighing 118 lbs. I hadn't thought about this day in many many years. I think I am starting to think about this because I am going through a natural cleanse. I feel okay thinking about these memories instead of feeling ashamed.
I have had weight issues since I was 12 years old. I might have even had them before, I don't remember. In grade 8 a boy (Alex) would make fun of me. He would call me fat, big-boned, etc. etc. I remember he said I starred in Congo, a movie about a giant ape. I can't believe I remember that. I mean, he really made me feel like, well, the lowest human being on earth. To this day, I still remember how I felt. At this point, I didn't know I could do something about it. I just thought you were pre-disposed to looking/being a certain way. Pretty and thin girls were pretty and thin because they were born that way. I had no idea about exercise or eating well.
When I went from 169 lbs (aged 17) to 140 lbs (aged 24) I kept thinking about that jerk. He was the one that made me want to change. And it was good that I lost that weight, but I still never felt like I was ever perfect. I always felt like I could be skinnier, and when I looked at pictures all I could see was how FAT I was. I think this was because I was doing it for him. Well not him specifically, but for all the jerks like him. To prove to them that they were wrong in thinking less of me as a person because of my weight. I wanted to stick it to them.
Now I couldn't give a flying eff about those people. This time, I'm doing it for ME! Because I am now a mother, and I want to have another child in the future. I want to have control of MY life, and I want to feel that happiness that I have never yet been able to feel. So although my weight will eventually be the same, I don't think my mentality will be. These changes that I'm making are for me to have. And I am starting to feel that happiness as I go along, not just in my end result which I think is also important. It's not like one day I'm going to wake up and say, "Okay, I'm happy now." It's gradually starting. And I really like it.
Anyways, I couldn't help but step on the scale this morning (I am part of a weight loss thread in a forum) and I am proud to say that my Weight Watcher's scale says 178.6 lbs! And boy do I feel it. Tomorrow's weigh-in at Weight Watcher's will get me through another week because of the lower number. Until then! I want to hear from you ladies, it's been quite in the comment section!!