Monday, January 10, 2011

Week Two: Day 3 - Un-repressing feelings...

Today I thought about a memory I hadn't thought about for years.  I probably had repressed the feelings of that fateful day back in February of 1994.  That was the day that I became obsessed with the number on the scale.  Our class was going on a ski trip and they had every one of us step on a scale to see what size of skis we would need.  I remember being one of the heaviest girls weighing 118 lbs.  I hadn't thought about this day in many many years.  I think I am starting to think about this because I am going through a natural cleanse.  I feel okay thinking about these memories instead of feeling ashamed.

I have had weight issues since I was 12 years old. I might have even had them before, I don't remember.  In grade 8 a boy (Alex) would make fun of me.  He would call me fat, big-boned, etc. etc.  I remember he said I starred in Congo, a movie about a giant ape.  I can't believe I remember that.  I mean, he really made me feel like, well, the lowest human being on earth.  To this day, I still remember how I felt.  At this point, I didn't know I could do something about it.  I just thought you were pre-disposed to looking/being a certain way.  Pretty and thin girls were pretty and thin because they were born that way.  I had no idea about exercise or eating well. 

When I went from 169 lbs (aged 17) to 140 lbs (aged 24) I kept thinking about that jerk.  He was the one that made me want to change.  And it was good that I lost that weight, but I still never felt like I was ever perfect.  I always felt like I could be skinnier, and when I looked at pictures all I could see was how FAT I was.  I think this was because I was doing it for him.  Well not him specifically, but for all the jerks like him.  To prove to them that they were wrong in thinking less of me as a person because of my weight.  I wanted to stick it to them.

Now I couldn't give a flying eff about those people.  This time, I'm doing it for ME! Because I am now a mother, and I want to have another child in the future.  I want to have control of MY life, and I want to feel that happiness that I have never yet been able to feel.  So although my weight will eventually be the same, I don't think my mentality will be.  These changes that I'm making are for me to have.  And I am starting to feel that happiness as I go along, not just in my end result which I think is also important.  It's not like one day I'm going to wake up and say, "Okay, I'm happy now."  It's gradually starting.  And I really like it.

Anyways, I couldn't help but step on the scale this morning (I am part of a weight loss thread in a forum) and I am proud to say that my Weight Watcher's scale says 178.6 lbs! And boy do I feel it.   Tomorrow's weigh-in at Weight Watcher's will get me through another week because of the lower number.  Until then!  I want to hear from you ladies, it's been quite in the comment section!!

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